I’ve been a Blended & Black member since it 1st started and I have seen many women share their stories of incest, molestation and rape. I have never wanted to talk about my rape until now. For so many years, I was embarrassed by the fact that I was raped 96 times over the course of 5 months years by the same man. This is my first time putting my story down, so I apologize if there are any holes in it or questions left unanswered.
I was an ugly duckling and he looked like an Abercrombie model
18, virgin, grew up in a strict Christian family, summer after graduating high school. Myspace is an “acceptable” place to meet people (2007). I get a message from a guy, a nice looking one at that, about seeing my profile, liking me, wanting to meet. This guy looked like an Abercrombie model, and as someone whose dad had to pay a guy to take me to prom, I was excited that anyone liked me, much less a guy who looked like that. We speak online only for a few weeks. I decide to meet him in person, and we have our first date in June 2007.
We date for a few weeks, and I can feel that this is turning into a whirlwind romance, but I do not care. Someone finally likes me. Someone who is taking me shopping, taking me out to eat and treating me like a princess.
The first couple weeks were a fairytale. He starts pressuring me to try things sexually. I am uncomfortable, but he tells me that this is what is normal now that I am 18. I like him. He likes me. This has to be ok? Right?
I lost my virginity to my rapist
July 4. I am with my family at the lake. After a day of eating and relaxing, he wants to go back to his apartment. We end up making out and naked. He wants to go farther. I don’t. He says I want it too, and it happens. After it’s in I do not try to stop him anymore. I am not a virgin, so what is the use? I cry afterwards. I feel guilty, and he is telling me that I obviously wanted it, but I didn’t think that I did. I see him again the next day, and I firmly tell him NO. He does not force anything.
We had a trip to Disney planned. It was him, myself, and two of his friends. When we get to the hotel room, he wants to do it again. I do not. He says I am not a virgin anymore, and now he can have it whenever he wants it. I still say no. He knocks me out of the bed. I hit the metal bed legs on my way down. His friends hear this and run in. He tells them I’m just being stingy with the pussy, and they go back in the other room. He refuses to let me back on the bed until I sleep with him again. I finally give in, as I have no money with me and no way back home without him.
I get in the habit of having sex with him when he wants it.
The beatings begin
We go to Orlando again, but this time just us. I am still struggling with having sex after being a virgin so long. He gets mad. We have a fight. I try to leave the hotel room. He follows me in the hallway, naked, picks me up and carries me back to the room. The door shut, so he has to put me down to open the door, so I start hitting him to let me go. He punches me. My nose bleeds. He apologizes after we get in the room. We have sex.
I leave for college in August, where I am on the women’s basketball team. He moves to the city my college is in. Gets an apartment. He knows my schedule. He knows when I should be home. He calls right after each class to check my location. He hears a guy from the men’s team one day speaking to me. He tells me to put the guy on the phone. He threatens to kill the guy. The men’s basketball coach bans all of the guys on the men’s team from speaking with me.
He throws a weekend cabin party. All the women’s team comes, and some of the men without telling their coach. He fucks me on the pool table in front of my entire team. He tells me I wanted it. He wants to have sex later that night, but I don’t. He won’t take no for an answer, so I lock myself in the bathroom. He gets a screwdriver and unscrews the doorknob. He picks me up and carries me to his truck. He throws me in the passenger side upside down. I hyper-extend my back. He drives down the mountain drunk with me screaming. He tells me that it was my fault.
The next night of the party, I do not want to have sex again. He hits the bed next to my head and yells until I am so tired that I give in.
The next night, my male childhood best friend comes to the party. He gets mad at my friend for being so friendly with me. He pulls a gun on my friend. I try to step in front of him. He knocked me down then he pulls me off of the ground by my hair and throws me off of the porch. Someone else stops him. My friend and I make it away from him. I stay the night at my friend’s house. He texts me that he went to my parent’s house. My parents are calling me asking why he is crying and saying we had a fight. I can’t tell them the real reason, because he is at their house with his gun.
He will kill my Dad if I leave him
I go back to college the next day. He shows up at my apartment. He says if I don’t stay with him he will kill my dad. I stay with him.
He keeps wanting sex, and I keep saying no. He keeps me awake if I say no. He threatens me if I say no. He did not physically restrain me to rape me, so I did not think it was rape.
November. We get into a fight. He shows up at my apartment. He is yelling. I am yelling. He punches me in front of my teammates. He throws me in his car and takes of with me. While he is driving on the interstate, I grab my cell phone and try to call 911. He chokes me out and knocks my phone out of my hand. I reach for his gun in the middle console. He knocks my head against the dash. I give up. We pull over. My parents keep calling. My teammates called my coach who called the police and my parents. He begs me not to tell the police anything, because I love him and besides, he will kill my dad if I do anything differently. He won’t take me back unless I promise not to tell the police. He drops me off down the street from my apartment. I walk in and the police, my parents, and my teammates are there. My teammates had seen everything, but I denied it all. The police know I am lying. I finally tell them what happened, and they put a warrant out for his arrest. He keeps calling, texting, harassing. For days. 55 phone calls in a two hour period. My parents take my phone to the police for harassment. They issue another warrant for him. They arrest him. He bails out a couple days later. The next week, he tells me he has videos of me having sex with him that I did not know he had taken. He says he will show them to my youth pastor, my parents, my teammates, etc if I do not get back with him. I get back with him.
I wanted to give my body to a man
I sleep with a guy from the guy’s team. I need to feel what it is like to have sex with someone because I want to, not because I have to. He finds out in my text messages. He beats me mercilessly.
December. My period is late. I am scared. I go with him to get a pregnancy test. It’s positive. I cry. He takes me to a clinic to be sure. It’s still positive. I’m still crying. We get back to his apartment. I want to take a shower to clean him off of me. To clean the pregnancy off of me. I feel so dirty. He won’t let me take a shower in peace. I keep yelling at him to leave me alone. He doesn’t like that. He pulls my out of the shower by my hair, he spits on me. He throws me to the bed. He holds me down. He rapes me. I have to leave. I have basketball practice. I tell one of my teammates. I have a game the next day. My parents and their best friends are there. My parents are looking at me funny. After the game, we go to eat. My mom shows me text messages where he had text her and told her I had never stopped seeing him, and I am pregnant.
I break up with him after the meal. I’m already dead. He can’t do anything else to me. My life is over.
He. Won’t. Stop. Calling.
My family does not understand
My parents don’t understand. They don’t understand why I didn’t break up with him sooner. They don’t understand that he thought I was beautiful when no one else did. They don’t understand that I thought I was ugly before him. They don’t understand that I am carrying his child, and he is the only one I want to tell me I’m beautiful. He stalks me until I will talk with him. He sits on the side of the road for hours until I drive by.
March. We get back together. He is so sweet to me now. I am so mind fucked. I know this, but I can’t stop this feeling of needing him. I have his child inside of me. The whole spring was good. I kept sneaking to see him. He took care of me.
I want him to sign his rights away, so I can put the baby up for adoption. He agrees. He signs the papers. I break up with him.
I gave birth to my rapists’ son
July 28, 2008. I have my son. My cousins are going to adopt him. They named him Israel. Something good coming from something so bad. I never want to see his dad again. Something snapped after I no longer had the connection inside of me. I go to the court and sign the papers, so my cousins can adopt. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. Two days later, I get served court documents. He says I forced him to sign the paper giving up his rights, and he wants full custody. We go to court the next week. The judge likes him. She says that the paper he signed is irrevocable, but he is claiming duress. She has never seen that paper before. The paper I signed is revocable within 10 days. It is day 5. She knows that paper, and I have officially signed my rights away. She gives him custody of my son. I have supervised visitation.
October. We have court again, and I end up with custody, and he has visitation. I had revoked my waiver, and his was still irrevocable until he could prove duress. He keeps telling me that if I get back with him he will drop the court case. He isn’t even spending time with my son. His aunt keeps my son. The only pictures of my son he takes are of the police officer who served me holding my son at his house.
I eventually win the case, but he appeals. We win the appeal. The caveat is that the waiver he signed is only good if an adoption happened. My son is now 1 1/2 years old. My cousins have moved on with their lives. My parents adopt my son with the intention of me adopting him back after I graduate.
He finds another victim
After my freshman year I transferred schools. I couldn’t attend the new school for the first semester due to the court case. He applied for the school too and got in. He was on the men’s team. He raped one of the volleyball players and got kicked out of school. I got there second semester. The men and women’s team had already seen videos of me and him having sex, because he felt like it. I am already the school whore, and I am not even there yet. When I go there, the girls don’t like me. The guys treat me like a slut. I transfer again, to a juco [junior college]. I attend there for a year before getting a Division-1 scholarship offer at the University of North Florida in Jacksonville.
August 2011. He shows up at my favorite bar in Jacksonville. He started dating one of the girls from the soccer team. He threatens to kill me. He says to just wait 3 years and my world will fall out from under me. He finally leaves Jacksonville after a few months of me refusing to see him.
The four year ordeal ate away at my innocence and killed my spirit. I became someone that no one recognized. My soul became hopeless and I felt like a piece of garbage. I know some people will say that I was not raped. All I can say is I hope your sisters and daughters never fall in love with a rapist.
However to men, especially the one I dealt with, he only raped me once. He even said that all those other threats mean it wasn’t rape, him holding me down made it rape. Finally, he signed over his rights to our son. Ironically, he then tried to sue for them back AGAIN. He said if I got back with him he would drop the court case. He eventually lost in court, and I never got back with him, so he has no rights at all.
If you have had a similar experience or you would like to contact the Author of this piece, please email Team@BlendedandBlack.com. There are resources in place to help. You do not have to suffer in silence.
Written by Anonymous Blended and Black Member