When I came across this clip, I immediately thought of every woman I know! I thought about the countless times I’ve had to either seek counsel or give counsel because some boy caused pain. I wrote this article with our girlfriends and sisters in mind! We have all had those moments when we’ve wanted to shake the “stupid” out of a dear girlfriend and get her to see that her relationship was OVER! Send her this not-so- subtle article, it just may help!
If Loving You is Wrong, I don’t Wanna be Right!
We have all felt duped by man to whom we’ve given our all…only to get peanuts in return. We then go on a rampage, attacking him, the things he loves and his entire being….all the while neglecting the fact that THIS MAN HAS A RIGHT TO PURSUE HIS VERSION OF HAPPINESS! And, sadly we may no longer be a part of his vision for his present and (foreseeable) future.
In this particular episode of Divorce Court, Judge Toler explains to this young lady that her man fell out of love with her and not only told her but showed her TIME AND TIME again. Judge Toler shared a powerful anecdote given to her by her mother, she said, “Never make a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once.” (I may get some MissNaja T-shirts that say this!)
Some men may not be able to handle your tears, so they try to protect your heart by prolonging the inevitable. This only leads to him short changing himself and you resenting him for “wasting your time” (that’s always our go to line, right ladies?).
So what do you do if you’re in this unfortunate situation!? Below are the typical steps in which the rejection might occur and how to make it as seamless and classy for yourself.
STEP 1. He tells you- Gasp! I know this may be foreign to most people, but some men will actually tell you when they no longer want to be with you. They may disguise it by saying they want to focus on work, they are stressed or the all too common “I need some time alone”. Whatever his reason, take heed, pack your bags and for godsake, don’t grovel and try to change his mind. I promise, he’s practiced this conversation with his boys LOOOOONG before he has presented his feelings to you. On one hand, I can applaud any woman for fighting for her relationship, but on the flip side, you can not fight for a man that is already gone.
STEP 1a. Now there’s a slight chance that he has already moved on to a new relationship before he has completely severed ties with you. He may have already physically and emotionally withdrawn, but he has not afforded you and the relationship the decency of declaring it totally over.
Is this mean? YES! Is it fair? NO! Is there anything you can do about it? NO WAY! This is not the time for you time play Inspector Gadget and unearth the new, unsuspecting woman and forge an imaginary competition with her! You will drive yourself crazy and chances are you’ll drive her further into his arms. You become the crazy Ex and your old flame and his new woman laugh about you and your senseless antics over restraining orders and cocktails.
STEP 1b. He shows you- We have all read the articles that teach us how to determine if our man is cheating. They say cute things like, “He works out more, he all of a sudden wears cologne, he is taking pride in his appearance , he spends more time at work.” These could all be true, but there is one glaring fact, this man’s affections are not spent on you and your relationship with him. This is where your pride and integrity take control, NOT YOUR EGO! As Mother Maya Angelou says, “When a person shows you who they are, believe them!”
STEP 2. Recognize that he is not wrong for wanting what he wants- And honey, that man does not want you. Your beauty, your gestures, the years invested, having a family, etc. will not suffice when a commitment has been diminished. If you two have tried everything to save your situation, it’s only a matter of time before the inevitable happens. This is the part where our EGOS tend to kick into high gear. Rejection from a loved one is a lingering, stinging pain. And after all, hurt people, hurt people. Trying to cause a man pain because he does not want you only prolongs your own pain and suffering. When you become consumed with destruction and causing chaos, it never works out for you in the end. Trust me, you don’t want to end up like the pile of unfortunate women that land themselves in Petty Baby Mama and Bitter Ex Purgatory.
STEP 3. Once you are clear on why the this man has chosen to move on, “Lazarus, Take up your BED!” ….and by that I mean, do not lie there dead and dormant. Do not become helpless and feeble. Don’t allow resent and pain to become your source of strength. Get up and WALK! Walk tall and walk with pride and courage. No one is expecting you to be a bouncing bag of joy after a breakup, but we also need you not to become a sad sack of $hit. Even if he has not made himself clear and has not given you the respect that you feel you are owed, let him atone for that in his own way. Your vindication simply does nothing to a person that feels that they are better off without you, in fact, your negative antics only validate why this man needed to move on in the 1st place. I agree with Judge Toler, Cut your losses and go!
STEP 4. Go Live- We all deserve happiness and joy. Love is ingrained in us and life is so much more enjoyable being surrounded by love. One day you will wake up and realize that you now have a free space in your heart for a man that will love you the way you want. He will commit to you, be faithful to you and never leave you. You will not doubt his promises and he will make you realize that you’ve never truly loved. Until then, wait. Occupy your time with work, self improvement projects, get some therapy if you’re having a hard time adjusting, but please….just be patient. When the best version of you is available, you will meet the best version of your Mr. Right.
by Naja Hall