Client Session: My 10-Year Old Stepdaughter is Ruining My Marriage
My Client has watched helplessly as her 10-year old custodial stepdaughter has transformed from loving to tough-to-love in less than a year. Stepdaughter returns from weekend visits with her biological mother acting unruly and disrespectful. The biological mother has just re-entered the child’s life after an ‘illness’ and I suspect this is the root cause of the behavioral issues. To top it off, Client’s husband only ‘allows’ his wife to cook, clean and provide for the child, but she is forbidden from any form of discipline. This family is in trouble and I’m dead-set on whipping everyone back in shape!
If you need to book your own private Coaching Session, go HERE and fill out the form. If you would like to review the Client’s Homework assignment, check it out below.
Here’s the homework:
1. This week, you are to take ONE completely unplugged mental health hour
2. Make Can/Can’t Do List with your Husband
3. Spend a 1-on-1 moment with SD. I think it would serve you well to reframe your approach to this conflicted child. She is no longer someone that you’re responsible or capable of molding, therefore you must dial BACK your expectations of her and the relationship.
- Discuss obvious change in the relationship
- Reinforce love that YOU have for her
- Remind her that you miss her and that you want her back close
- Leave an open door should she ever want to accept your love
- Find out how she wants to be parented/treated. Don’t ask this directly. Instead, ask her what type of relationship does she want from you. Ask her does she want you to see her as your very own daughter or as a good friend. Remind her that both roles require that she respects you, but as a friend, you will not be able to give her the motherly things that you have done. Also, she needs to understand that you will love her no matter what and that this decision will stand. The goal is to get her to admit that she needs you and wants the relationship to get back on track. Let her know that it will not be easy to get back on track but you love her and you are ready to do the work to help her grow up to be an awesome person.
I’d like to get an understanding of how your Husband views you and how he will communicate this to you. I also need to gauge his ability to articulate his feelings.
Questions to ask your husband:
1. Do you think I am a good mother?
2. What’s your problem?
3. Why are you so sympathetic to this particular child?
4. What is his fear with actually parenting this child properly?
5. What would you change about my parenting style?
Of course, my work with this family is not done. I will speak to her Husband and Stepdaughter. Since I follow the systemic approach, I like to get to know as many family members as possible when I am unearthing issues. If you need a family, marriage or individual plan, do not hesitate to reach out to me! If you are a Stepmom or Biological Mother that wants to regain her personal peace, my book Girl, Bye! She’s Not Going Anywhere. Neither Are You will change your entire outlook!
