10 Questions to Ask BEFORE You Fall in Love
When we are falling in love, we tend to overlook some key factors that will ultimately determine the success or failure of our relationship. In the beginning of a relationship, we are often blinded by lust, fantasy and hope. The definition stage of a relationship usually lasts from 6 months to a year. During this period, we begin to see glimpses of who our mate’s true personality. Sadly, by this time, the individuals in the relationship have already committed and they’ve had a chance to truly know who and what they are dealing with. Emotional and physical attachments are set in place and despite being a poor match, many individuals will stick it out. We are usually NOT taught the proper ways to pick the most ideal partner and we rely on physical and emotional cues. The major downfall to this approach is that we are completely ignoring the emotional state of our mate.
The fact of the matter is many people have suffered childhood experiences that have impaired their ability thrive in relationships and cope with the overwhelming stress of a break up. Unfortunately, during the course of the romantic relationship, these past issues begin to surface and the relationship cannot survive. The parties are left to co-parent, which can prove to be an impossible task when one or both parties have unresolved or undiagnosed personality disorders.
Early childhood trauma refers to psychological trauma during the critical developmental period in a child’s life spanning from conception throughout the formative years. When a person experiences trauma, it is likely that they develop coping mechanisms as a survival tactic. Theses survival tactics usually show up as behavioral disorders. If a person does not have a full blown personality disorder, then they may have many of the traits. Adverse childhood experiences (ACE) shape the way a person interacts with others and it can even have negative implications on their overall health. The image below displays 11 types of personality disorders.
Adverse childhood experiences tend very much to play a very significant role in the development of personality disorders; these include physical, emotional and sexual abuse, neglect, having parents/carers who misuse substances and growing up in a household where a parent/carer has a significant mental health problem.
Indeed, if a child’s upbringing is extremely stressful, his/her brain development can be harmed leading to the kinds of emotional and behavioral problems that may precede the development of a full-blown personality disorder.
FACTORS WHICH CAN EXACERBATE SYMPTOMS OF PERSONALITY DISORDER :
Research shows that stress can very significantly worsen the symptoms of personality disorder. Stresses which should, as far as possible, be avoided include :
– financial worries
– stressful interpersonal relationships (especially if these involve family or partners)
– situations that give rise to significant anxiety
TREATMENT:
Until relatively recently, personality disorders were poorly understood and little effective treatment was available. Now, however, it has been established that many of those with a personality disorder can be given therapies that are potentially highly effective.
HERE is the original source. Once you take the test, please refer to the original website in order to get more detail.
What’s Your ACE Score? (and, at the end, What’s Your Resilience Score?)
There are 10 types of childhood trauma measured in the ACE Study. Five are personal — physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical neglect, and emotional neglect. Five are related to other family members: a parent who’s an alcoholic, a mother who’s a victim of domestic violence, a family member in jail, a family member diagnosed with a mental illness, and the disappearance of a parent through divorce, death or abandonment. Each type of trauma counts as one. So a person who’s been physically abused, with one alcoholic parent, and a mother who was beaten up has an ACE score of three.
There are, of course, many other types of childhood trauma — watching a sibling being abused, losing a caregiver (grandmother, mother, grandfather, etc.), homelessness, surviving and recovering from a severe accident, witnessing a father being abused by a mother, witnessing a grandmother abusing a father, etc. The ACE Study included only those 10 childhood traumas because those were mentioned as most common by a group of about 300 Kaiser members; those traumas were also well studied individually in the research literature.
The most important thing to remember is that the ACE score is meant as a guideline: If you experienced other types of toxic stress over months or years, then those would likely increase your risk of health consequences.
Prior to your 18th birthday:
- Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you? or Act in a way that made you afraid that you might be physically hurt?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often… Push, grab, slap, or throw something at you? or Ever hit you so hard that you had marks or were injured?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Did an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever… Touch or fondle you or have you touch their body in a sexual way? or Attempt or actually have oral, anal, or vaginal intercourse with you?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Did you often or very often feel that … No one in your family loved you or thought you were important or special? or Your family didn’t look out for each other, feel close to each other, or support each other?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Did you often or very often feel that … You didn’t have enough to eat, had to wear dirty clothes, and had no one to protect you? or Your parents were too drunk or high to take care of you or take you to the doctor if you needed it?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Were your parents ever separated or divorced?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Was your mother or stepmother:
Often or very often pushed, grabbed, slapped, or had something thrown at her? or Sometimes, often, or very often kicked, bitten, hit with a fist, or hit with something hard? or Ever repeatedly hit over at least a few minutes or threatened with a gun or knife?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker or alcoholic, or who used street drugs?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __ - Was a household member depressed or mentally ill, or did a household member attempt suicide? No___If Yes, enter 1 __
- Did a household member go to prison?
No___If Yes, enter 1 __
Now add up your “Yes” answers: _ This is your ACE Score
__________________________
Now that you’ve got your ACE score, what does it mean?
First….a tiny bit of background to help you figure this out…..(if you want the back story about the fascinating origins of the ACE Study, read The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study — the largest, most important public health study you never heard of — began in an obesity clinic.)
The CDC’s Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study) uncovered a stunning link between childhood trauma and the chronic diseases people develop as adults, as well as social and emotional problems. This includes heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes and many autoimmune diseases, as well as depression, violence, being a victim of violence, and suicide.
All hope is NOT lost if you had a high ACE score. Click HERE to learn about your Resilience Score.
Below is a short list of common traits of coping mechanisms that may develop as a result of trauma:
1. The False Self
Many people carry childhood emotional wounds with them into adulthood. One way these wounds reveal themselves is through the creation of a false self.
As children, we want our parents to love us and take care of us. When our parents don’t do this, we try to become the kind of child we think they’ll love. Burying feelings that might get in the way of us getting our needs met, we create a false self—the person we present to the world.
When we bury our emotions, we lose touch with who we really are, because our feelings are an integral part of us. We live our lives terrified that if we let the mask drop, we’ll no longer be cared for, loved, or accepted.
The best way to uncover the authentic you underneath the false self is by talking to a therapist who specializes in childhood emotional trauma and can help you reconnect with your feelings and express your emotions in a way that makes you feel both safe and whole.
2. Victimhood Thinking
What we think and believe about ourselves drives our self-talk. The way we talk to ourselves can empower or disempower us. Negative self-talk disempowers us and makes us feel like we have no control over our lives — like victims. We may have been victimized as children, but we don’t have to remain victims as adults.
Even in circumstances where we think we don’t have a choice, we always have a choice, even if it’s just the power to choose how we think about our life. We have little to no control over our environments and our lives when we’re children, but we’re not children anymore. It’s likely we are more capable of changing our situation than we believe.
Instead of thinking of ourselves as victims, we can think of ourselves as survivors. The next time you feel trapped and choice-less, remind yourself that you’re more capable and in control than you think.
3. Passive-Aggressiveness
When children grow up in households where there are only unhealthy expressions of anger, they grow up believing that anger is unacceptable. If you witnessed anger expressed violently, then as an adult you might think that anger is a violent emotion and therefore must be suppressed. Or, if you grew up in a family that suppressed anger and your parents taught you that anger is on a list of emotions you aren’t supposed to feel, you suppress it, even as an adult who could benefit from anger.
What happens if you can’t express your anger? If you’re someone who suppresses your upset feelings, you likely already know the answer: Nothing. You still feel angry—after all, anger is a natural, healthy emotion we all experience—but instead of the resolution that comes with acknowledging your anger and resolving what triggered it, you just stay angry. You don’t express your feelings straightforwardly, but since you can’t truly suppress anger, you express your feelings through passive-aggressiveness.
4. Passivity
If you were neglected as a child, or abandoned by your caretakers, you may have buried your anger and fear in the hope that it would mean no one will ever abandon or neglect you again. What happens when children do this, though, is that we end up abandoning ourselves. We hold ourselves back when we don’t feel our feelings. We end up passive, and we don’t live up to our potential. The passive person says to him or herself, “I know what I need to do but I don’t do it.”
When we bury our feelings, we bury who we are. Because of childhood emotional trauma, we may have learned to hide parts of ourselves. At the time, that may have helped us. But as adults, we need our feelings to tell us who we are and what we want, and to guide us toward becoming the people we want to be.
I asked the members of my Facebook group what questions were most important to ask BEFORE falling in love and they gave some pretty interesting responses. Go HERE to join the group.
