Separation from your lifetime partner can be a heart wrenching affair. It is a death that we do not always prepare for and often don’t expect.
Most of us see hard times and arguments and are aware of the work it takes to hold a marriage together, but what do you do when it falls apart?
We have become such a RIGHT NOW society that we feel issues should be hashed out in moments of rage and in between texts and demanding schedules of work, school and play dates. It is virtually impossible to find the time to truly sit down, name the problem, and seek a solution. Instead, we give up or give in and let go.
Divorce rates are soaring; not just for first marriages but for second and third ones as well. How are we even entering into new spaces of love and commitment when we haven’t sought the truth as to how the last one failed?
With all of the demands on our time and in our lives sometimes we need to take a break, just say, “Time out, I need a moment.” Many can’t say that and it manifests itself as leaving, breaking up, divorce proceedings and more. What if I told you it’s OK to take a break? It’s OK to have a pause in forever, because forever is a mighty long time and a break will only strengthen you and your partner as individuals and maybe even as partners.
What if we gave ourselves permission to say, “This is over taking me and I need to get out. I’m not sure if it is forever; but I know I can’t take whatever this relationship has morphed into”?
How free would you feel? To not have to make it work, to not feel the pressure of getting it right? Here are 3 major guidelines to working through marital separation.
You do not owe anyone a smile, a hello or anything more than you can give yourself. It is OK to isolate and create boundaries, learn yourself and your needs. This time is critical and vital to your growth and healing. If that means not hanging out, or canceling people, that’s OK too. You are in a moment of mourning and it is normal to feel out of sorts and take time away from everyone in order to be better to yourself.
Honor your truth
It’s OK to still want your partner, to miss them, and to hope it works. This is grieving and you will undoubtedly go through the stages of grief (*based on the modified Kubler-Ross model)
which are as follows:
You are entitled to have all of those processes happen, allow it, give in to it. It’s OK to hate them, to blame yourself and go through all phases. You do not owe it to anyone else but yourself to seek your truth and feel your feelings authentically.
For those who are in the church I know you have heard ”delay is not denial.” This time may be what you both need. I am not suggesting to hinge your existence on the “we will work it out” idea, but I am saying all may not be lost and if you have children involved it’s even more important to remain open to what co parenting looks like. We do not have to subscribe to the baby mamma/baby daddy drama troupe, we write our own stories, we create our own outcomes and this may simply be the intermission of your lifelong story. Allow yourself to have the ending you desire.